The Battle Of The Bulge [Old High School Memory]

Meet Chris: The city fatass from highschool who nobody liked.

Meet Jon: The village fatass from highschool who nobody liked. Jon smelled bad.

Every day during senior year, I would have what was called a ‘Free Period’. The one saving grace my school had was the fact that it had Free Periods rather than Study Halls.

For those who are wondering what in the blue f*ck a Free Period is, allow me to explain:

A Free Period, or ‘Free’ for short (we were so Goddamn clever), was basically a blank spot in our daily schedule where we could do whatever the hell we wanted. The cafeteria was the main place kids would go during their frees, and seniors would often times go to black market for food, or smoke up in the bush. Or both. Basically, we could go just about anywhere. If you happened to have a free period, or two, or three frees at the end of the day you could leave class early.

Frees were damn good. Damn good I say.

Of course, me being the cool guy I am, me and my friends would always just go down to the cafeteria to play cards. Asshole, was the name of the game, and we would play it every day. Good times :-).

The games would always get very heated, often causing fights, riots, fires, and high-speed car-racing games where one of the kids gets his head put through the windshield and wins a 3-week coma. But that’s another story.

Anyways, Chris is getting mighty pissed that the stinky fat village kid is winning all the time, so he starts making fun of him. Some of the things he was saying was damn hilarious, too.

“Hey Jon, do you just bathe yourself in chicken grease or something? Because that would explain a lot of things. All you village fatsos just LOVE that chicken, but hey, so do I. But I don’t think I’ve ever met a jungle-bunny that took a chicken-grease-bath every morning before school. That’s like a whole new level of fat.”

I wish I were making this up.

Either way, after taking about a half-hour of abuse, Jon finally flips out.

Imagine taking two 300-pound piles of jello and slapping them together over and over again. Now imagine one pile of jello is dark-skinned, and the other is fair-skinned. Now throw on a couple of shirts, ties, pants, belts, and shoes on these disgusting mounds, and you have a pretty good picture of Jon and Chris fighting.

They were punching, slapping, wrestling, and doing whatever they could to get the other one to the floor. Nobody dared to step in the middle of this brawl, for fear of being flattened like a pancake.

And then eaten.

It was like watching a real-life Yin-Yang.

Except fatter.

Teachers looked on in wonder, students cheered, tables collapsed, chairs were knocked over, and the two hypnotic blobs finally rolled their way over to the PA system machine.

The cafeteria went completely silent. Would they crash into the machine, and take away one of the student body’s most favorite entertainment? Or would the machine be spared?


To the shock of everybody, the two fat kids stopped everything they were doing, walked back to the middle of the cafeteria, and began to fight again.

Chris got his big fat ass kicked.

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We used to play soocer or discuss football news in our free periods. Sometimes, we also go into the woods to search for mangoes or cashew.